I know that it is rash to post to a blog when filled with that first flush of emotion, but sometimes that is the only way to capture the feeling before it becomes integrated and rationalised and filed away in a corner of the mind.
I've felt quite numb today. After yesterday's revelation I wasn't sure what today would be like. I've been suppressing my frustration, and my health has suffered.
I've started putting out feelers for suitable options for places to live. I've emailed almost everyone I know within my community to ask them to keep their ear to the ground for me, to get the ball rolling. It almost feels as if it has the potential to snowball, and that I will get caught up in the momentum and carried down the hillside.
The weirdest of all though has been this evening at home. My father is trying to be chatty, but I can't bring myself to pretend that none of this has happened. What he said was deeply hurtful, and I don't think that anything is going to change if we discuss what we both had for lunch today. My mother is carrying on as if nothing has happened, and I suspect that is because my father hasn't told her what he has said to me. Ironic, then, that this all started because of an argument I had with her.
Underneath all of this, however, is a valuable insight into the Tarot. Some friends gave me a reading on Friday, and when the ace of wands appeared in the environment position and the knight of wands came up in the distant future, one of them asked me if I planned to go travelling any time soon. I had no plans to. Not with Nanna's health being so frail. I don't want to be in deepest Borneo when I get the call to come to her deathbed - I want to be at home.
But now I think the penny has dropped. The reading wasn't about travelling, or even about living abroad, it was about having to up sticks and move out. I even had the five of wands crossing me in the centre of the spread.
