“Be patient toward all that
is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do
not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would
not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the
questions”
- Rainer Maria Rilke
That's a brave intention. To live everything. To embrace each waking moment with open arms and take it to the chest regardless of the daggers hidden within. To bleed joyfully for the thrill of living.
Can I do that? Can I go to that uncomfortable place and make it my home? I am living so many questions. Even now, after five months of uncertainty I am still in limbo.
I have been looking back through this blog. It holds many surprises for me. Some joys, mostly painful growth. My life has been laid bare before me these last three years and I have been blind to see it. It has taken a Vision Quest to see what was right before my nose all this time. Even as I stepped out into the void I was blind to the hurt I feel.
I feel it now.
I feel my mother's words as they cut through me. I feel the rawness of my grief for my grandmother, and I cry when I finally allow myself to read my words about her death: "I can be true to myself, and fearless, even in the face of crushing defeat."
The only thing I cannot feel is the pain of a lost love. That wound cuts too deep.
