There's something sitting at the very edge of my peripheral vision. Perched just out of reach is an epiphany, like a magnificent bird. Epiphanus magnificenta, lost member of the Corvidae. A huge black Raven of an idea with bright, glossy wings.
It's an important one. It's the key that unlocks the whole mystery of my life. I'm taking my time with it; coaxing it down off its perch with patience and understanding. It's the reason I went on my Quest; although I am only just now beginning to realise its significance.
Boundaries. Lines in the sand. A three line whip. Dealbreakers. What are they and why do I care? I care because I don't have any, and that's a problem. I used to wonder why I could be two people, why colleagues respected me and certain friends did not. How I could be considered a strong, independent woman in some circles and yet get bullied and pushed around in others. It's because of my boundaries; of where I draw my lines in the sand.
When I'm in charge (how rarely these days!) I know how to behave. I take no shit - as it were - from new recruits and I happily show them the ropes and set out my boundaries with them. I don't care what they think of me and as a result they respect me, even if they are a little scared of me too. I get on well with the ones who can hold their own and the ones who fall by the wayside, well, I forget them.
How the picture changes in my personal life. Perhaps I start out strong and independent, even somewhat aloof, and somewhere along the line I switch. I'm a loyal friend and sincere lover, and I care deeply for those I give my heart to. I care what they think of me and as a result - I now realise - I give them permission to walk all over me. I have no boundaries with those I truly love, and I will forgive them again and again. There are very few people I truly hate, and those I could probably forgive if they would only apologise for their abuse. Forgive, but not let them back in.
I have a boundaried core within. But by the time I fall back as far as that defence it's too late and the damage has been done. I have had a vague feeling of unease these last six months. A feeling that I need to extend that boundary out beyond my very core to take in my whole person. I needed to learn how to do that and make it porous enough to let the right people in, while keeping the wrong people out, and I had no idea how.
And that is the essence of witchcraft.
There is the concept of the magical circle - a boundary between the worlds that exists apart from time and space. Within the protective circle the witch is free to raise energy and spirits, safe in the knowledge that everything is contained within the sacred boundary. This is important and a fundamental teaching of the Craft. Learning to control power and personal energy while allowing both to freely flow. However, there is another, more subtle layer.
In shamanic pathworking the shaman goes within, asking spirits to enter the body. Thus the body becomes the circle, and it is down to the shaman to draw the line inside their own body beyond which the spirit must not roam. I have shied away from pathworking and I could not figure out why, until now. I know now that it is because I did not trust myself to draw that line.
This is such a fundamental lesson for me. That right down at my very core, I have no real boundaries. I take no responsibility for myself. I do not stand up for myself and assert my right to what is my own. Right down to my flesh.
And that is what I am taking back. I'm saying "No!". I'm standing tall and putting up a boundary that extends beyond my core. Instead of a razor-wire fence around my heart I'm building a softer, more porous eggshell around my body and my interests. I'm learning how to anticipate a boundary violation and to neutralise it before it reaches my core. I'm learning to send the right messages all the time to get the respect I deserve in every area of my life. I'm learning to respect myself, and to take care of what lies inside that eggshell, because what's in there is my responsibility and my domain.
